Diet, Day 3 - NFL's

Remember Dr. Vaughn who started me on this thing? Thought I might mention that he also is putting me through some distress on another front. You see, when I had that physical a couple of weeks ago, I reported to him that I’d recently experienced some “NFL’s.” The good doc was unfamiliar with this term, so I explained that it had nothing to do with football but was an acronym for “non-fart leakage.” Don’t they teach these doctors anything? Unfortunately, the doc’s a young guy, so he doesn’t always relate to some of the ignominious afflictions of those who are a bit older. He seemed to think my NFL’s might be an important medical issue when really it’s nothing more than an extra brown spot on my underwear. He required that I undergo an “occult blood guaiac screening.” I always thought “occult” had something to do with the supernatural; but after going to the lab and picking up the packet they provided, I discovered this is a “shit test.” Incidentally, if you’re a Scrabble player, you might store “guaiac” away for future use. You’d also be well advised to not play Scrabble with people in the medical profession. Anyway, the test requires that for 3 consecutive days I have to carefully float a piece of paper in the stool, shit on it, then use a little wooden stick to take 2 samples and paste them in a folder that is provided. The directions dictate that each sample must be from a different part of the turd (are you kidding?) and caution me not to contaminate the turd with the stool water. Is it really possible to further contaminate a turd? To my way of thinking, with the exception of radioactive waste and blood samples from an AIDS testing clinic, things don’t get much more contaminated than turds. So, I made my first sample collection yesterday and quickly discovered there are two problems not covered by the directions. First, it’s nearly impossible to accomplish the shit collection process without getting the stuff on your hands. Second, waddya do with the shit stick when you’re done? That was a bad start to the day. On the other hand, things went well on the diet and fitness front. Had grapes for lunch yesterday and a steak and Caesar salad for dinner. Now I’m at 269 and no longer get the “ERR” message on my digital scale. That’s good news; because apparently if I stay below 270, I can weigh myself in the privacy of my home, instead of using the scale at the club while contorting my body to shield the results from bystanders.